Above: A hastily altered photograph is used to underscore the self-conscious irony of The Onion's parodies.

      MADISON, WI--Editor-in-Chief Scott Dikkers announced today that he was going ahead with plans to include a "totally brutal" parody of 80's sit-com DIFF'RENT STROKES in the February 2nd edition of The Onion.

      "Me and [Head Writer] Todd Hansen came up with the idea of making Bill Clinton be like Mr. Willard or whatever the rich guy's name is. I'll have the intern look it up on the web. And then we'll take a photo of Clinton and stick Gary Coleman just over his shoulder. Then it'll be like everything Clinton does is kind of like what they did on the show. Maybe Hillary will be Mrs. Garrett, their maid. And--oh! I know! We'll make fun of how sit-coms always have these really corny themes and pat endings and stuff."

      The DIFF'RENT STROKES parody will mark the 9,470,118th time that The Onion has scathingly parodied lowbrow culture, drawing attention to failings such as mediocre television programming, suburban life, newspaper infographics, and product marketing slogans.

      "What we do," explained Hansen, "is write these fake articles in a really straight tone, only they're about something stupid like a phrase repeated many times by the media, or a stupid advertising campaign. We do this over and over and over again in each issue of The Onion."

      Dikkers noted that the task of endlessly pillorying largely meaningless cultural phenomena was not quite as easy as it looks.

      "The thing is, if you're not careful you can end up running the same article three or four times, because after awhile they all kind of sound the same," Dikkers explained. "It wasn't until we hired our intern, that tall guy who uses the computer, that we got a handle on it by 'grepping' or 'grapping' or something--I don't know computers--anyway, searching all The Onion back-issues for similar material."

      Hansen then reminded The Onion's Editor-in-Chief about the time they ran a human interest-style article about a marijuana smoker getting the munchies in three consecutive issues, with only minor variations, before catching the mistake.

      "And the thing is, I had another really great one about this college student who eats his roommate's Ding Dongs after getting really baked, and then it becomes like a Watergate-style cover-up," notes a rueful Dikkers. "But we had to wait a couple of months with it. We're professionals here."

      The Onion's comedy is well-aged. Such leitmotifs as harsh ridicule of the Baby Boomer generation's narcissism, criticism of pop culture's vapidity, and the insertion of world figures like Clinton into ridiculous Hollywood entertainment vehicles mark the regular output of Dikkers and company. The end result is no surprise--nor could it be, since every single joke has been tested countless times by almost everyone else before it winds up as a faux news item in The Onion.

      Once a subject has been beaten to death by desperate stand-up comics, it attracts the attention of The Onion's gimlet eye. By feeding the material into the machinery that has churned out dozens of distinct articles, The Onion staff can assure readers that each week will bring a comfortable regurgitation of the same material that made them laugh last week.

      "We use recurring features to lighten the strain on our writing team, who are sometimes unable to squeeze that one last drop of postmodern ironic detachment out of the transposition of a cheesy stock photograph and an over-the-top headline," adds Dickers. "Obese, banal housewives, born loser Gen-X slackers, and a homeboy-talking accountant help us pad out The Onion's content with pieces that can be written even after suffering a traumatic head wound or being declared legally dead. It's literally a matter of just plugging random thoughts into a character template that never changes."