Capsule reviews… Here are a bunch of capsule reviews for you to read before going straight to hell.

• Mission to Mars:  Sometimes I have to see a movie no matter how many people have informed the world that it sucks.  In the back of my mind I think, "Some of these people think Denzel Washington can act, so what do they know?"  But this time they were right.  Brian DePalma's uninspired rip-off of 2001 reminded me that nothing is more boring than boring science fiction.  Tim Robbins, Gary Sinese, and some black guy float around for two hours and then a Martian hologram gives everyone a big hug.  Then we find out that the Martians were responsible for life on Earth, which also makes them indirectly responsible for Brian DePalma's career.  Fuck you, alien assholes.
• Capote:  Amusing but somewhat overwrought bio-pic's best feature is Philip Seymour Hoffman's impersonation of the famous gay man-child.  Made some interesting points about Capote's narcissistic literary persona (which in the movie borders on the sociopathic), but as I never found Capote himself very interesting it was difficult to stay involved.  By the way I saw this at the Magnolia in Dallas – which means I had to sit through three and a half coming attractions for movies about men being gay with each other.  Brokeback Mountain looks to be a kitsch classic, complete with cowboys and long, soulful gazes from one hick to another.  At least they've finally begun to weary of Joan Crawford lookalike contests.
• Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang:  Fun if insubstantial spoof of noir fiction, aided greatly by Val Kilmer's brilliant deadpan portrayal of a gay detective who goes by the nickname Gay Perry.  (Check out his ringtone.)  Movie is only let down by the casting of Michelle Monaghan who cannot pull her weight next to pros like Kilmer and Robert Downey, Jr.  Also, final action set-piece is fairly ridiculous, but plenty of laughs getting there.  You could definitely do worse.
• Sex and the City season one:  Surprised?  I watched this while spending the weekend with a recent girlfriend (don't ask).  Amazing insight into why some women collapse into self-involved depression in their late 30s.  You probably know the four leads:  horse-faced blond who somehow manages to get laid without paying for it; chinless, hypercritical redhead who is less interested in lesbianism than she should be; empty-headed brunette whose enduring cheeriness is essential to making all the other characters remotely palatable; and graying blond with saggy tits whose bed should have a sign over it reading “three drink minimum”.  That this repulsive band of harpies was ever popular with women viewers speaks volumes about current conditions between the sexes.  If you are a man and you watch this series you will run the risk of turning gay.
• Harry Potter and Whatever the Fuck This One Is About:  I have a friend who likes this series so I pretty much just went along for the popcorn and the sensory overload.  Too long.  Too cluttered.  Too many good actors relegated to scenery.  Only real high point was lingering over French stunner Clémence Poésy, which restored my desire to be with women again after hours of staring in horror at Kim Cattrall's mummified face.
• The Pick-up Artist:  No excuse really, I just felt it was time to experience another failed movie featuring brat-packers in their prime and with nowhere to go but down.  For some reason that makes me happy.  Probably the chief highlight of this movie was spotting a much younger Paulie from "The Sopranos" as a mob stooge with two lines of dialogue.  Other than that this is vintage "we can make it happen if we try" 80s upbeat romance complete with Molly Ringwald as an independent young woman with father issues.  Sex scene between her and Robert Downey, Jr. is strangely disquieting – although with Downey it's hard to imagine otherwise.  I think he actually has greater chemistry with Val Kilmer.  Also noteworthy for featuring Dennis Hopper's worst acting ever as Ringwald's inexplicably drunken father.  (Could also be Danny Aiello's worst acting ever, but that's rather difficult to gauge.)
• Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic:  As we are once again well into the tedious "Let's all argue about Christmas" season, this show seems like the perfect antidote.  I am seeing it tonight so check back later in the event that you have not already gone to hell.
  Update:  Good but with a caveat:  the show is not much more than Sarah Silverman employing the same comedic device (observation, then shock closing) repeatedly for 70 minutes.  Her act most reminded me of Steven Wright's – same joke structure – and has the same limitations.  As a comedian doing edgy material she lacks Chris Rock's stamina and energy and is further hindered by the fact that there's not very much going on behind her jokes beyond the element of surprise.  I left wanting something a little more.  For all the talk of her material being "transgressive" (a bullshit artist term) or of it challenging the audience's hypocrisy, there's not a trace of either motive to be found in her act.  Much of her stage persona is merely an acknowledgement that the standard comedic approach to controversial subjects is no longer very fresh or relevant because these subjects have been endlessly trivialized by sanctimonious PC nags.  And therein lies the appeal – generations following the sanctimonious Boomer cohort have gotten sick of the exquisite sensitivities of the permanently aggrieved and find some kind of relief in material that tramples on them.*

This is the end of the capsule reviews.